Unpacking Emotional Triggers: How Others' Boundaries Reflect Our Own Needs
- The Softest Heart
- Sep 15, 2024
- 2 min read
Updated: Jan 5
What we give to others, we naturally expect returned to ourselves. So when we hyperextend ourselves trying to please other people, and the other person doesn't reciprocate, it's easy to find ourselves feeling triggered, rejected, and overthinking.
People who have a history of people pleasing and hyperextending themselves may also have a history of inadequately enforcing boundaries. So in these instances, the real trigger is not necessarily the other person's actions, but the revelation we're being triggered by the areas we're lacking emotionally.
My Experiences Helped Me Understand I Needed Stronger Boundaries
I experienced this when I was planning on meeting a friend for lunch. I texted her asking if when she wanted to go. A few days passed, and my mind started racing! It wasn't like her not to respond, so I found myself overthinking about if I could have done or said something that may have offended her. I sent her a text, pre-emptively apologizing.
It turned out she wasn't upset, instead she was dealing with something urgent and it had nothing to do with me. In reflection, I realized I didn't have the same sense of prioritization with my social circle - whenever people sent me a message, I felt obligated to respond right away.
My disappointment helped me see I had literally put myself through all the emotional strain for nothing. In retrospect, I realized my anxious feelings & overthinking were reflecting a past history of seeking external validation. By constantly putting others above my own needs, I was reinforcing a pattern of hyperextending myself and people pleasing.
Unpacking Emotional Triggers: How Others' Boundaries Reflect Our Own Needs
It's hard to look at the situation in retrospect when you're feeling triggered. In my own experiences it wasn't until I thought about the situation afterwards, that I was able to understand why something felt so triggering.
So the secret to change the way you think in the moment is to actively question yourself when feelings like these arise. Are your worries actually self-reflected disappointment? What can this help you learn about yourself if the other person is demonstrating they have stronger boundaries?
Use the mindset shift of thinking about the other person's circumstances and your feelings separately. With the example I gave this would sound like “my friend hasn’t responded and this is abnormal, and I can also see signs I have preconceived expectations of how someone should respond, which may be related to my history of people-pleasing."
Conclusion
It's difficult to take a step back during triggering moments but you have what it takes to develop the best version of you!
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